Now now, Canada. Just because our new Prime Minister is a man doesn’t mean we can treat him like a piece of meat. If we had elected JUSTINE Trudeau and everyone was yapping about her ass, we’d be throwing maple syrup all over the place.
Besides, Justin Trudeau is NOT the first hottie at the helm. Here are the Top 15 Hottest Prime Ministers of Canada. (It started as a top 10 list but there was just so much hotness on Parliament Hill. The Hill is basically an active volcano spewing hot lava into my lady cave.) Here we go:
15. Jean Chretien. Yes, I’m serious. Jean narrowly made the list, but in a country that prides itself on including all kinds of people, ol’ squishy face deserves a spot. Look on the bright side: he talks with one side of his mouth and he’s deaf in one ear, so all that unused energy gets channeled to you know where. The man is 81 years old and still swinging around his French baguette.
14. Sir Mackenzie Bowell. His name sounds like the intestine that poop travels through, but his face doesn’t look shitty at all. Well, what I can see of it under that snow-beard. I think his Cabinet ministers were jealous of his good looks because they said he was incompetent and forced him to step down. Bowell called them “a nest of traitors” and went home to have all the sex. He fathered nine children and lived to be 93, which in those days was like older than Yoda.
13. What’s for supper? Sir Charles Tupper. Mmmm, delicious mutton chops with a side of bow chicka wow. Oh c’mon, this guy was seriously ahead of his time. Facial hair is all the rage now. Charlie Tupps was the original hipster. This picture of him gives me double nipple boners.
12. Alexander Mackenzie, Canada’s sexy answer to Abe Lincoln, except instead of being famous for ending slavery, our bearded boy was famous for something much more significant: introducing the secret ballot. If he wasn’t dead, I’d introduce him to my secret ballot box.
11. John Sparrow David Thompson. I like my prime ministers the same way I like my prime rib: thick and juicy. Thompson was 5 feet 7 inches tall and 225 pounds. Pretty sure they named fat raisins after him. He dropped dead while visiting Queen Victoria in 1894. Went face down in the crumpets. We can’t blame the Brits though. Thompson was from Halifax so we should probably blame the Greeks. Friggen donairs.
10. Kim Campbell. Can we leave the lone lady off a list that sexually objectifies? Is Stephen Harper a good musician? Exactly. Ah, Kim. The political princess with the golden hair, with possibly maybe some brains underneath it somewhere but who really knows or cares let’s just talk about her cute bob and bouncing bajongas. Kimmy is cute as hell and calls her vagina her “portfolio.”
9. Paul Martin. PM was PM from 2003 to 2006. He had the initials, and the baby blues. He also had the polio when he was eight, but that didn’t stop him from developing a serious case of sexyitis. Okay, so Paul’s no supermodel, but he passed a bill that approved same-sex marriage in 2005, making him hot as balls in my books.
8. Pierre Trudeau. Consistently ranked by historians as our #1 Prime Minister, and they don’t even take into account his high cheekbones, epic erections, and sexual rendezvouses avec Barbara Streisand. Pierre was intellectual, charismatic, but most importantly, stylish. He looked fuddle-duddling good in a suit, a fur coat, and…a sailor boy outfit? Yeah, okay, I’d get on that ship. Ladies were hot for this badass who wore sandals and slid down bannisters. Unfortunately it’s too late for me to slide down his. FUDDLE DUDDLE! Justin’s will have to do.
7. Wilfred Laurier, Prime Minister from 1896 to 1911. Canadians loved Laurier for his “sunny ways” – evident in this portrait. (Justin stole that phrase from him, and his hair.) The ladies adored him. In fact, after his death his sexy remains were placed in a stone sarcophagus, adorned by sculptures of nine mourning female figures. Apparently they represent each of the provinces in the union…likely story, guys. Laurier died of a stroke in 1919. Unfortunately it was not the kind I give with my hand.
6. This Arthur ain’t no aardvark. Arthur Meighen was legit hot. You’ve probably never heard of him because he was Prime Minister for, like, five minutes back in the 1920s. But hey, that’s all you’d need with this piece of gear, amirite? I might be right or Arthur may be hypnotizing me with his crazy sexy eyes.
5. Why the fuss over Justin’s hair? JT’s got nuthin’ on JM. Check out Sir John A. Macdonald‘s do. I’d like to make it a policy to run my fingers through that wig. I don’t even care that he was a raging alcoholic and a horrible racist, this Sir makes me purr. Macdonald was Canada’s first, and I wish he had been mine. I also wish I was a 10-dollar bill so he’d be on me.
4. This Disney prince, John Turner, was Prime Minister of Canada for 79 days in 1984. And whatayaknow – our little prince had a thing with Princess Margaret back in the 50s. He couldn’t marry her though because he was a dirty Mick. Not dirty enough, I say. He eventually married great-niece of John McCrae, author of “In Flanders Fields.” Flanders Fields was also the nickname for Turner’s vast and fragrant ball sack.
3. Lester Pearson. This sexy nerd was in charge from 1963 to 1968. That’s not a bowtie; that’s a seat for the lay-deez. Pearson won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1957 for organizing the United Nations Emergency Force to resolve the Suez Canal Crisis. I’d like him to take a look at my Screwez Canal, see what can be done about that. Pearson also started the Royal Commission on the Status of Women. I can tell you right now, Lester: my current status is horny.
2. Before Tom Selleck there was Sir Robert Borden, Prime Minister of Canada during the First World War. Rumour has it he cheered up war widows with free moustache rides. Borden is on the 100-dollar bill, so I always carry one around in my pocket so his upper lip hair is as close to my vagina as possible. Can Justin even grow a moustache?
1. OH YES, HE CAN. Justin Trudeau, hottest Prime Minister of Canada, ever. I mean, he’s no mutton chops (see #13) but he’ll do. And, he’s all about girl power, multiculturalism, equality, rights, and freedoms. So he’s definitely cool with me showing up at 24 Sussex in a leather mask and dog collar. Justin is my religion now. God I love this country! And hey, if JT wants to lay some pipeline, I’d get behind that. Honestly, I’m just glad I didn’t have to put Ben Mulroney on this list.