Remember the chick who knit a scarf with wool she had stogged into her vagina?

I appreciate art and god knows I love talking about the ol’ wizard sleeve, but that was some weird shit. I created something way more normal: a T-shirt, made with lint from my smelly button.

Kidding. I have an outie. But I did make a T-shirt! And while not made with wool from my wookiee bush, it does have a whiff of vagina, which is why I call it a V-SHIRT instead of a T-shirt. Here she is:

TWAT ODDS

TWAT ODDS was a statement I blurted out while taping this little ditty for CBC. And now it’s on a fucking T-shirt.

Twat’s up with TWAT ODDS, exactly? If you’re not a Newfie, you probably need an explanation…

In Newfoundland and Labrador, we have this saying: WHAT ODDS. It means: who cares, it doesn’t matter, that’s the least of my worries… You get the idea. It’s a statement of joyful resignation, of being carefree, of not giving any actual fucks.

And in the world, we have this word: TWAT. Which means vagina, of course, (And for all intents and purposes right now and forever and ever, we will use the term vagina to describe the whole V nation including the vulva, vagina and clitoris. It’s just easier this way. Don’t fight it.)

Therefore, TWAT ODDS means: My vagina gives zero fucks.

It means my ‘gine is sublime. It may look like a dropped pie these days but guess what? TWAT ODDS.

It means my underwear oyster won’t clam up. It will fearlessly scream out its name and laugh about its beard. Think taco talk is inappropriate? Bitch, I will sing about my chuffbox in church. TWAT ODDS.

It means it’s not a dirty secret. I mean sure, nobody is allowed to enter without a front-stage pass, and nobody is allowed to post pictures of my poon without my consent, stuff like that. But that doesn’t mean it’s off limits conversationally. We talk about all our other body parts without shame (except my friend Dave’s deformed alien toe), why not our vaginas? Snatch chat can bring dark secrets to light, and that can mean justice and healing. Seriously. Giving your vadge a voice can set you free. I don’t even care what you call the thing, despite what my CBC video may suggest. As long as you don’t call it your SSSSSHHHH. Or your pussy flower cupcake mussentouchit. Please, if you’re gonna call it something besides vagina or vulva or vulvagina, have some balls (i.e. ovaries) about it and call it, oh I dunno, your TWAT. Because guess what — TWAT ODDS.

V-shirt deets:

1. These are high-quality, Canadian-made BAMBOO Jerico t-shirts, screen-printed locally at Living Planet in St. John’s. In case your vision balls fail you, the shirts are charcoal grey with purple graphics and text.

2. Sizes range from XS to 2XL. Check out the Jerico women’s size chart: http://www.livingwellbamboo.com/product/Bamboo-Ladies-Crewneck-Tee. Measure dem boobies. Or dat furry chest. Yes, dudes can wear this shirt too, all ye delicious feminist defenders of the womenfolk. (I’m sending one to Patrick Stewart with a two-sided sell sheet outlining what the hell TWAT ODDS means.)

3. Cost per shirt is $25. I will deliver or ship to you for free, unless you live on Uranus. (FYI I am not making any $ off this shirt. I just want to see a TWAT on everyone’s TITS.)

4. Shirt not available with (clitoral) hood. But TWAT ODDS.

5. Email motherfumbler@gmail.com to pre-order. Please provide your name, shirt size, email (if different than one you’re using), and home address (so I can make sure delivery or shipping won’t cost me my first-born) and I will follow up re: payment.

6. I don’t like ending on a note about money, so here’s a little shirt humour from my spirit vagina, Amy Schumer.

 

2 Comments on Twat’s up with this shirt

  1. Mike Boyd
    November 5, 2015 at 1:43 am (2 years ago)

    Hi Vicki. I’m thrilled that you read my post. I would be honoured to wear the shirt and send/post a pic of me wearing it. Hope I don’t scare the shit out of anyone.
    Mikw

    14 Cranberry Cres. Dartmouth, NS B2W 5A1

    Cheers

    Reply
    • MotherFumbler
      November 14, 2015 at 5:45 pm (2 years ago)

      Got it, Mike! Order going in tomorrow!

      Reply

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