Happy 2014. A little late, I know. But my period wasn’t late, so that’s good. As a self-declared leader in the war on traditional motherhood, I should probably say something profound to inspire you in this new year upon us. Maybe I should tell you to go burn your apron. Or maybe I should say “this is your year, mama”, “go big or go home”, “rock that vagina”, “work it, work it”, “you go girl”, etc. But truth is, you don’t have to do any of those things. You just need to keep on keepin’ it real, shawty. And maybe floss a little more.
What I mean is: instead of reinventing yourself, maybe it’s time to stop being so hard on yourself. Maybe it’s time to consider you might be doing just fine. Instead of making one grandiose resolution to change in some epic way (which is probably doomed to fail), maybe you could just pursue a handful of small things to nudge things along in a positive direction (and make succeeding way more likely). That’s my plan. I have an exciting year ahead, thanks to that there book I writ – literary events, a parenting column in Newfoundland’s new arts and culture paper, and some other things I can’t mention because then I’d have to kill you. But my plan for 2014 is not to be rich and famous with an apartment of rich mahogany and many leather-bound books. I just want to eat more kale, walk the dog more, and feel less stabby. And 40 or so other little things. You know, if I get around to it, whatever.
1. Wash hair less.
2. Stop biting nails.
3. Continue to shun the thong.
4. Be more spontaneous.
5. Go fuck yourself. (Sorry I was being spontaneous.)
6. Spend less time online and more time skipping through the enchanted woodlands.
7. Ask more often: What would Yoda do?
8. Back up photos and video before I lose everything and have to kill myself.
9. Print Dad’s book of poems before he starts haunting my house.
10. Delete failed selfies from phone so I won’t look like an idiot if I die suddenly.
11. Drink more water and also booze.
12. Reduce bitchiness by 20%
13. Have more lightsaber fights.
14. Become a champion for gingers everywhere.
15. Adopt something: kid, dog, highway, etc.
16. Start composting.
17. Slay this tentacled beast living under my desk at the office.
18. Create something remotely resembling a budget. Establish cheese fund.
19. Update spam plugin on website before I choke a bitch.
20. Do more nice shit for people.
21. Ignore the Internet trolls.
22. Organize sock drawer. (Have less pity for orphaned socks. THEY ARE NOT PEOPLE.)
23. Continue to not be a sheep.
24. Continue to give zero fucks. Mostly.
25. Make people laugh.
26. Spend more time with funny people.
27. Be more patient with ass-hats.
28. Support the arts community.
29. Support other women, even those not like me.
30. Invent jeans that feel like sweatpants for skeety toddlers who refuse to wear jeans because “they’re cold and crispy”.
31. Listen to more music.
32. Gyrate more, with or without music.
33. Read more books.
34. Remember who matters most: Batman, Luke and Chewbacca.
35. Be diligent with sunblock.
36. Use more expensive bubble bath. YOLO.
37. Do more body combat so I can kick a dude’s face in if he tries to get on me unless he’s Benedict Cumberbatch.
38. Continue hunt for world’s best macaroni and cheese.
39. Get pregnant maybe?
40. Do more self-exams. Protect the girls.
41. Look for Loch Ness Monster.
42. Make killer ads.
43. Start second book.
44. Screw the naysayers.
45. Stir the pot.
46. Increase the peace.
47. Open mind to all possibilities.
48. LIVE LIKE I MEAN IT.