Share

I think I’m a pretty sharp lass. A mo’ in the know, if you will. Except for the time I saw the David Blackwood painting with the oilrig in the background and the whale in the foreground and said, So whales are really that big? Shut it.

Some things just leave me forever dumbfounded. I said dumbfounded, not speechless. So here is a short list of things that blow my freakin’ mind to smitherines.

YAWNS.
They’re contagious. Don’t deny it. Can someone please explain this to me in scientific (but not too scientific, I’m an English major) terms? I need answers. And I’m tired (yawn) of waiting (yawn). You’re yawning too now, aren’t you? Aren’t you???

THE SCOPE OF THE UNIVERSE.
Have you any idea just how insignificant we are? Imagine a microscopic particle on the hair on the pimple on an elephant’s ass on the elephant on the tree in the hole in the bog down in the valley-o, and then divide that by 87 gazillion trillion jajillion. That’s how un-big you are in the grand scope of things.

BABIES COMES FROM OUR VAGINAS.
What. The. Hell.

TERRIBLE SINGERS WHO THINK THEY ROCK.
Wow. How can someone who sounds so bad think they sound so great? Great enough, in fact, to try and compete on American damn Idol! Are their mouths, ears and brains not connected somehow? I am baffled (and amused) by this phenomenon.

ANIMAL INSTINCTS.
How does a baby horse just slide out of its mama and, within minutes, know how to walk? Did he take a tutorial in his mama’s uterus? How do salmon know their way back to their native rivers? That’s just flippin’ crazy. And how a common house pet can find its way home from great distances is truly astounding. My grandfather used to walk from Cape Freels to Gambo (a 75-minute drive by car today, a multi-day trek by foot back in the day) to catch the train to St. John’s with his trusty mutt by his side. When he arrived in Gambo, he traded the dog for some tobacco. When he returned in many weeks, the dog would be back in Cape Freels again, having left its new owner and ran all the way home. That ol’ dog was a gift that kept on giving.

LARGE LADIES WHO WEAR TEENY TINY TOPS AND SHORT SHORTS.
Nooooooooo. What is happening here? Is this a visual impairment? Is the Shallow Hal syndrome for real? Ladies, cover up that junk and tuck in that chunk. It’s bad enough we have to see these barely-there garments on skinny people.

BAD PERFUME.
Ever been south and notice the huge box stores and mall kiosks with signs exclaiming PERFUME! PERFUME! PERFUME!? Giant ass stores selling nothing but perfume. Is the demand really that great? Doesn’t a bottle last, like, half a lifetime? In a world where scents are increasingly prohibited, what is up with this repugnance? Okay, some of it smells kinda nice. But keep your distance from the old ladies, and for Christ sake don’t sit next to one on a four-hour bus trip. 16 ounces of Endless Poison, with a hint of mildew, moldy carpet, and grandma’s douche. Yup, sure got your money’s worth there, Beatrice. Ladies, if your perfume has the word “musk” in the name, please – abort. And fellow gals of the 80s and 90s, take note: Exclamation! went out with your virginity.

SMOKERS.
God love ya, you’re addicted. It’s a dog wrapped around your leg/lung and I feel for ya. But isn’t it just totally hilarious? Sticking little white tubes of chemicals into your mouth, lighting them on fire, and sucking in the smoke. HA!!! You gotta admit – it’s pretty silly. Oh, and it can kill you. What a riot!

SCROTUMS.
There are no words.

THE INUKTITUK LANGUAGE.
Huliniahuanngittunga. That means, “I am not going to do anything.” Wow. My guess would have been, “I am going to f*ck you up, white boy!” You should read the lyrics on a Susan Aglukark album. What. The. Fufckfucfkfck.

BIGOTRY.
It blows my mind that, in this day and age, there are still people who hate blacks and gays. Get over it already.

ALL ASIANS LOOK ALIKE.
What’s up with that? Why do they all have to have black hair? Why???

MIRRORS.
Think about it.

CASEY ANTHONY IS A FREE WOMAN.
How could 12 seemingly normal people be so completely and utterly dumb? The chloroform on the computer. The lies. The chloroform in the trunk. The smell of a dead body in the trunk. The lies. The corpse-eating insects in the trunk. The 31 days when she partied instead of reporting her “missing” child. The lies. The lies. The lies. The towering heap of evidence that said this mother was responsible for the death of her child. Oh, but she was sexually abused by her father and brother, so that’s why she competed in a hot body contest just days after her daughter started rotting in the woods. How convenient. Hey all you aspiring murderers out there, now you know what you need to do to get away with it. Play the molestation card. It’s your ace in the hole.

Was it possible that something else happened to Caylee? Oh sure, aliens could have swooped down and sucked the life out of the toddler and tossed her in the swamp with a heart-shaped sticker on her mouth. I mean aliens do that from time to time (aliens love stickers!), and they have so much to benefit from the death of a beautiful little girl.

Aliens. That would have been enough “reasonable doubt” for this dumbfuck dozen. Case closed. Casey Anthony is free to go. But… she killed her kid!

It blows my mind that we put all that power in the hands of 12 people who, by sheer luck of the draw, could be – and in this case clearly were – total Neanderthals.

It also blows my mind that I live in a world where Casey Anthony will make more money than me.

Share