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Easter irks me. But it’s not Jesus’ fault. He’s been dead for over 2,000 years for Christ sake. It’s the rest of us. We’ve crucified Easter over the last couple millennia.

30 years ago when I was a little chick, Easter was so wonderfully simple. Birds tweeting. Lilies blooming. A feed of turkey or turrs after church. A handful of little chocolate eggs hidden around the living room. (We’d find one sneaky egg months later and wonder if it was still good to eat.) And a chocolate bunny that I’d methodically consume, bit by bit, over the next week. Ears first, ass last.

But look at Easter now. We’ve gone and complicated the hell out of it. We’ve got our kids thinking every time there’s a Jesus event – Christmas, Easter – they get a pile of crap. And then we post photos of it on Facebook – you know, so the kids in Africa can see how much we love Jesus. Jesus doesn’t equal love, silly rabbit. Jesus equals candy and chocolate and new clothes and pastel-coloured junk and a week of no school. In fact, we’ve probably got our kids loving the whole crucifixion thing a little too much: Hurry up and nail that dude to the cross already so I can get my paws on some candy!

Nice trick, Bible boinkers. I imagine, deep inside the bowels of the Vatican, there’s a candy factory where they lace little fudge bunnies with extra sugar – to fuel the addiction of the world’s kids to the sweet story of Easter. And it’s not just the Catholics. I’m sure the Archbishop of Cadbury is in on it too.

If we’re going to give our kids stuff, at least we could tell them WHY. You know, as a symbol of the ultimate gift of Christ or something. But sadly, some of us are just not that bright. Or maybe we just can’t bring ourselves to tell our kids about the lamb of god because it sounds an awful lot like the shit of sheep. So we tell them a giant ass bunny brought the goods. Because that sounds so much better.

Here’s an idea. If we insist on showering our kids with Easter crap, how about we throw in a few t-shirts? Give our kids heaps of candy, toys and gadgets, and make them wear one of these shirts to give credit where credit is supposedly due:

THANK U 4 THE IPOD, G-ZIZ.

JESUS GAVE ME SALVATION… AND SMARTIES!

JESUS DIED FOR MY SINS… AND THIS SCOOTER.

THESE LEGOS WERE MADE POSSIBLE BY THE VERY GENEROUS CONTRIBUTIONS OF ZOMBIE JESUS.

IF YOU LIKE MY NEW EARRINGS, YOU ALSO LIKE THE NAILS IN JESUS’ HANDS.

THIS EASY-BAKE OVEN – PAID FOR WITH THE FLESH AND BLOOD OF CHRIST. RED VELVET, ANYONE?

THANKS FOR THE GOOD CHOCOLATE, GOOD SHEPHERD!

MY REDEEMER IS RAD GENEROUS.

JESUS IS MY COPILOT. THAT’S WHY HE GAVE ME THIS REMOTE-CONTROL HELICOPTER.


 

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