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My mom: I think people are tired of hearing about your vagina.
Me: Would you prefer I say meat curtains?
My mom: Whatever.

People just don’t understand! I don’t talk about my vagina because I want you to imagine my tattered twat flapping in the wind (or because I want to shock you into buying my book…. Well, maybe a little.) I do it because IT’S JUST A VAGINA FOR CHRIST SAKE! Why are people so squeamish about it? Why is it such a secret? So elbows and knees and feet are okay, but vaginas are gross…because that’s where the blood comes from!?

Seriously. As children, we are told that place “down there” is our “flower” or our “cookie”. It’s as if having a VAGINA is so terribly unlucky, so vulgar and terrible, we must invent a friendlier name for it. Because the world is just not ready for our nasty VAGINAS. Jesus, are we girls criminals or what?

I actually don’t mind all the silly synonyms. Obviously – there are about 69 of them in my book, from “pink sink” to “pickle jar”. But I do prefer the ones that connote some power, like “wizard sleeve” (muhahaha, I will turn you into a goat with my magic meat curtains), or Mariana Trench (I will swallow your torpedo whole, James Cameron ya big weirdo). Hilarious British columnist, Caitlin Moran (one of my personal heroes), would scold me for including the soft, passive words like “pocket”, “cupcake” and “muffin”. Guess what she calls her vagina? Hint: It rhymes with punt.

I don’t discriminate too much between “muffin” and “minge”, “vagina” and “va-jay-jay”. I’m not an expert in feminist theory with intelligent and eloquent explanations for why I use this word but not that word. I’m just a girl who’s glad we (well, some of us) are talking about it at all. When we’re all hush-hush about our muff-muff, it gives people (like, the men) the power over us, doesn’t it? As if they need any more. They can go around talking about their dicks and balls and everybody laughs. They’re revered for it, even. But we gals mention our VAGINAS and everyone gasps. What a skank-bot. What a BAD MOM. When we scold our little girls for saying the word vagina, aren’t we giving them a sense of shame? Since when was having a vagina such a bad thing? The VAGINA is what got us all here in the first place, goddamn it.

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